Kiss

July 28. 2012. After piano competition, we slept on the same bed. Too tired. And I kissed you. On the cheek. For the first time

Dear Jagung 12

Dear Jagung,

I can't say I hate or like you anymore. The feeling between us has neutralised over the days. I think I feel better this way. You lied to me again and again. OK, you didn't lie, you stray away from the truth.

What? Busy? With assignments? Bullshit. You can even find a time to cook with your friends. You told me before you only cook for your family first, and then only we cook together. You forgot that didn't you? Oh never mind. Go ahead. I am already tired and fed up with you.

You never know how hard I ooze time out, hoping to spend it with you, but your only word is 'bz nw, gtg'. Even I am busy, I am thinking about you. Did you? No. I share something nice I saw or experienced, did you? No.

Go lah, your life is interesting with swimming, drinking, playing, dancing. I don't have those for you. In fact, I like ZB more than you. Unreplied messages have been piling up like unsupervised landfill. I am frustrated. In case you didn't notice, I no longer send you good night messages. I don't think it's worth anymore to send to you since you sleep late and play more.

The first thing I worried about you is your studies. You have no idea how worried I got when I heard your results. Now? Nah. o0o

Dont go looking for me anymore. Don't ask me to eat with you. I don't want those anymore. I feel like I am just being a compensation for what you didn't do to me  while you have done it with your friends.

Go have those life you want with your friends. I have nothing to offer you.

Bye.

Dear Jagung 11

LOL. My menstrual emotions cycle.

3.11am yesterday morning, that is at least a few hours I got angry of you, you SMSed me.

"Tomolo how? U can't juz leave me hanging like that >< why r u owaz like that? I've been trying my best to be a good bruder to u and myself and yet u owaz seemed to be dissatisfied... I don't know what to do now... honestly, I'm very tired letting u throw me here and there and it hurts me everytime u do it... Pls be straight forward with me... I don't like u beating around the bush... say it to me in my face... no need to hide from me... it's oni 90 days but it feels that i've known u for years.. wateva that makes u happy la..."

That was the LONGEST message I ever received from anyone, especially you.

I was awake at 3am because I thought you would SMS me. Weird feeling huh, especially you DID SMS me. I am sorry OK? I went to sleep after I SMSed you.

I was so hurt when I know I had hurt you again and again. It's not the first time. And I feel worse, especially when you sent me this message. I was literally, no, my heart was literally torn into pieces. I MSNed you and told you everything...

And Brother's Day came! 90 days! I can't believe it! 90 days of brothers, love, and care.

Throughout which I throw tantrum on you all the time. I am so sorry, brother.

You took me out by 8.10pm in the night and we had meals had Haji Ghany till 4.35am, we saw your friends, and mine (Andy, Wai Hong and Steph).

I don't know what to say. I talked too much. LOL.

I feel happy to be with you. Really. I like you. I told you and that never change: I love and care you.

I admire your family. And I promise myself I am going to do better (if my determination still holds)

One day, if I lost you, in the sense that we are out of touch, your stories will always be with me.

Thank you Jagung. Thank you so much.

I love you. XD

Dear Jagung 10

Finally! I know why you come by, give me a so-called "surprise" of a lantern and hurriedly leave.

BECAUSE YOU MADE ONE FOR HIM.

You might ask him not to tag you in the photos, in the comment, or put in on your wall. But hell. I know more than you do now. I am getting furious. Why can't you just be straight forward to me? I now know why your ex dumps you. I finally know. Go ahead. Go find your friend circles and make them happy, but don't EVER include me inside your damn fucking circle

I feel like I wanna kill you or punch you. Or maybe I should punch myself for being an idiot for believing what you say. Brothers? Go to hell with ya! I no longer believe in this term anymore! Thats why I tell you I am very sensitive to the word!

Cancel what ever day you call it for tomorrow. Ninety fucking days of ups and downs. No, you don't tell me to handle the ups and downs. I cannot handle the truth you have been hiding. Yes, you didn't lie to me, but you are hiding things from me. That's cheating. Cheat and lie is two different thing but it accounts for the same feeling

I told you don't make me find the truth myself before you tell me. I can get very hurt and angry. And now, after giving both of us chances. I think I have take things for granted. Mum is right. I should stop before I or you receive the wrong signal from both ends.

What I receive here is I thought you are my brother.

But now, no more. I can continue to pretend. But hopefully next semester I wont be able to see you again. Not ever. Because my time is pack, I don't think I can see you. So bye and die.

Why is it so hard for you to tell me what you have done?

Never mind, the longer I write this, the more i come to realise that it is all my fault.

I shouldn't eat dinner with sailou that night
I shouldn't even borrow your things that night
I shouldn't fan you
I shouldn't talk to you
I should have treated you like how I treated other dancers

You DOG.

I am not going to say anything harsher anymore

I am not your special one either, since you say I am part of your brothers and the special one.

To hell with YA!!!

If I am a special one, why the hell did the unspecial HIM get the thing you gave me?
That piece of shit.

My fault. I am the one who ask you to treat him nicely.

OK, then, good, go.

I am on my own. I should be with my friends more  than you can think.

Go fuck off and die.

Dear Jagung 9

You made me a lantern for mooncake festival yesterday. I was so touched. The lantern, made out of yelow orange paper, burnt holes with joss sticks of the moon, stars, table full of food, you and me. And an orange candle.

It's... speechless. You said I cannot celebrate with my younger brother, so you compensate it with this.

I so wanna hug you so tight and say, dun worry, I am alright. But I know I am not...

Thanks, bruder.

Love you

Dear Jagung 8

Why did you lie to me? You did go to pasar malam and you didn't say anything when you are fetching me to exam as I mentioned pasar malam. I am utterly disappointed with you.

Never mind. I hold it. I dont want to get hurt easily anymore. I keep telling myself not all relationship always blooming like flower throughout the lives.

There must be a time where the flower must die.

And this is just a yellowing of a leaf. Never mind. I take it. i have to. As if I have other choices.

I don't care anymore. I take that everything you do to me, is NOT out of brotherhood. I think it's because you think you can help me, that's why you help me. But what I did is pure love.

I love and care for your wellbeing so much that I make sure you sleep well, eat well and study well.

Sleep well: make sure you sleep early
Eat well: stopping you eat heaty food when you are ill
Study well: make sure you don't involve too much in dancing, skateboaring etc.

But you? You only make sure I don't skip meals and encourage me when I am no mood to study.

Never mind, I can take it. I will take this pain to my dreams and forget it.

Thanks for all the time with me.

I think we just stick back to friends better...

I hope you can sense it after I send this sms to you later.

CIao

Dear Jagung 7

I got the answer from you about finding the other one. You said it is sufficient when it's only come down to both of us. I don't know whether I should sound glad or you are just pleasing me.

I can't sleep at 1am today. I don't know why. I swirled and twirled on the bed, sometimes emitting loud coughs that can rock the bed. But I can't sleep. I sent you a good night message and usually I won't know you reply me till I wake up in the morning, this time, I heard your message incoming.

Although you said you like the goodnight message, I don't want to reply you. You sent in at 215am, If I replied you, you will be asking why I am still up late (even though you also the same)

I am very tired now. Today is the day I didn't chat with you (well up to now the point I am writing this blog, unless you chat with me after i post this)...

I don't know I should sound normal or what, but anyway, I don't feel like disturbing your studies. Though I would like to tell you my dreams yesterday,

It's beautiful.