Dear Jagung 12

Dear Jagung,

I can't say I hate or like you anymore. The feeling between us has neutralised over the days. I think I feel better this way. You lied to me again and again. OK, you didn't lie, you stray away from the truth.

What? Busy? With assignments? Bullshit. You can even find a time to cook with your friends. You told me before you only cook for your family first, and then only we cook together. You forgot that didn't you? Oh never mind. Go ahead. I am already tired and fed up with you.

You never know how hard I ooze time out, hoping to spend it with you, but your only word is 'bz nw, gtg'. Even I am busy, I am thinking about you. Did you? No. I share something nice I saw or experienced, did you? No.

Go lah, your life is interesting with swimming, drinking, playing, dancing. I don't have those for you. In fact, I like ZB more than you. Unreplied messages have been piling up like unsupervised landfill. I am frustrated. In case you didn't notice, I no longer send you good night messages. I don't think it's worth anymore to send to you since you sleep late and play more.

The first thing I worried about you is your studies. You have no idea how worried I got when I heard your results. Now? Nah. o0o

Dont go looking for me anymore. Don't ask me to eat with you. I don't want those anymore. I feel like I am just being a compensation for what you didn't do to me  while you have done it with your friends.

Go have those life you want with your friends. I have nothing to offer you.

Bye.

Dear Jagung 11

LOL. My menstrual emotions cycle.

3.11am yesterday morning, that is at least a few hours I got angry of you, you SMSed me.

"Tomolo how? U can't juz leave me hanging like that >< why r u owaz like that? I've been trying my best to be a good bruder to u and myself and yet u owaz seemed to be dissatisfied... I don't know what to do now... honestly, I'm very tired letting u throw me here and there and it hurts me everytime u do it... Pls be straight forward with me... I don't like u beating around the bush... say it to me in my face... no need to hide from me... it's oni 90 days but it feels that i've known u for years.. wateva that makes u happy la..."

That was the LONGEST message I ever received from anyone, especially you.

I was awake at 3am because I thought you would SMS me. Weird feeling huh, especially you DID SMS me. I am sorry OK? I went to sleep after I SMSed you.

I was so hurt when I know I had hurt you again and again. It's not the first time. And I feel worse, especially when you sent me this message. I was literally, no, my heart was literally torn into pieces. I MSNed you and told you everything...

And Brother's Day came! 90 days! I can't believe it! 90 days of brothers, love, and care.

Throughout which I throw tantrum on you all the time. I am so sorry, brother.

You took me out by 8.10pm in the night and we had meals had Haji Ghany till 4.35am, we saw your friends, and mine (Andy, Wai Hong and Steph).

I don't know what to say. I talked too much. LOL.

I feel happy to be with you. Really. I like you. I told you and that never change: I love and care you.

I admire your family. And I promise myself I am going to do better (if my determination still holds)

One day, if I lost you, in the sense that we are out of touch, your stories will always be with me.

Thank you Jagung. Thank you so much.

I love you. XD

Dear Jagung 10

Finally! I know why you come by, give me a so-called "surprise" of a lantern and hurriedly leave.

BECAUSE YOU MADE ONE FOR HIM.

You might ask him not to tag you in the photos, in the comment, or put in on your wall. But hell. I know more than you do now. I am getting furious. Why can't you just be straight forward to me? I now know why your ex dumps you. I finally know. Go ahead. Go find your friend circles and make them happy, but don't EVER include me inside your damn fucking circle

I feel like I wanna kill you or punch you. Or maybe I should punch myself for being an idiot for believing what you say. Brothers? Go to hell with ya! I no longer believe in this term anymore! Thats why I tell you I am very sensitive to the word!

Cancel what ever day you call it for tomorrow. Ninety fucking days of ups and downs. No, you don't tell me to handle the ups and downs. I cannot handle the truth you have been hiding. Yes, you didn't lie to me, but you are hiding things from me. That's cheating. Cheat and lie is two different thing but it accounts for the same feeling

I told you don't make me find the truth myself before you tell me. I can get very hurt and angry. And now, after giving both of us chances. I think I have take things for granted. Mum is right. I should stop before I or you receive the wrong signal from both ends.

What I receive here is I thought you are my brother.

But now, no more. I can continue to pretend. But hopefully next semester I wont be able to see you again. Not ever. Because my time is pack, I don't think I can see you. So bye and die.

Why is it so hard for you to tell me what you have done?

Never mind, the longer I write this, the more i come to realise that it is all my fault.

I shouldn't eat dinner with sailou that night
I shouldn't even borrow your things that night
I shouldn't fan you
I shouldn't talk to you
I should have treated you like how I treated other dancers

You DOG.

I am not going to say anything harsher anymore

I am not your special one either, since you say I am part of your brothers and the special one.

To hell with YA!!!

If I am a special one, why the hell did the unspecial HIM get the thing you gave me?
That piece of shit.

My fault. I am the one who ask you to treat him nicely.

OK, then, good, go.

I am on my own. I should be with my friends more  than you can think.

Go fuck off and die.

Dear Jagung 9

You made me a lantern for mooncake festival yesterday. I was so touched. The lantern, made out of yelow orange paper, burnt holes with joss sticks of the moon, stars, table full of food, you and me. And an orange candle.

It's... speechless. You said I cannot celebrate with my younger brother, so you compensate it with this.

I so wanna hug you so tight and say, dun worry, I am alright. But I know I am not...

Thanks, bruder.

Love you

Dear Jagung 8

Why did you lie to me? You did go to pasar malam and you didn't say anything when you are fetching me to exam as I mentioned pasar malam. I am utterly disappointed with you.

Never mind. I hold it. I dont want to get hurt easily anymore. I keep telling myself not all relationship always blooming like flower throughout the lives.

There must be a time where the flower must die.

And this is just a yellowing of a leaf. Never mind. I take it. i have to. As if I have other choices.

I don't care anymore. I take that everything you do to me, is NOT out of brotherhood. I think it's because you think you can help me, that's why you help me. But what I did is pure love.

I love and care for your wellbeing so much that I make sure you sleep well, eat well and study well.

Sleep well: make sure you sleep early
Eat well: stopping you eat heaty food when you are ill
Study well: make sure you don't involve too much in dancing, skateboaring etc.

But you? You only make sure I don't skip meals and encourage me when I am no mood to study.

Never mind, I can take it. I will take this pain to my dreams and forget it.

Thanks for all the time with me.

I think we just stick back to friends better...

I hope you can sense it after I send this sms to you later.

CIao

Dear Jagung 7

I got the answer from you about finding the other one. You said it is sufficient when it's only come down to both of us. I don't know whether I should sound glad or you are just pleasing me.

I can't sleep at 1am today. I don't know why. I swirled and twirled on the bed, sometimes emitting loud coughs that can rock the bed. But I can't sleep. I sent you a good night message and usually I won't know you reply me till I wake up in the morning, this time, I heard your message incoming.

Although you said you like the goodnight message, I don't want to reply you. You sent in at 215am, If I replied you, you will be asking why I am still up late (even though you also the same)

I am very tired now. Today is the day I didn't chat with you (well up to now the point I am writing this blog, unless you chat with me after i post this)...

I don't know I should sound normal or what, but anyway, I don't feel like disturbing your studies. Though I would like to tell you my dreams yesterday,

It's beautiful.

Dear Jagung 6

I am glad we sort things out a few days before. I thought I am going to be devastated.

Yeah, first time shopping with you yesterday. Well, not really WITH you anyway, you are just taking me along because I want to buy my staples. Of course you did buy some.

It is a fun day and night. I finally met you up after half a dozen days. I really am sorry because you are tired and having a slight headache. But I hope my recipe helps lighten your night. Hehe. We made bread pizza over pan.

Thank you for the ribena too. LOL.

I enjoyed watching P&F show with you but, I know you are tired. I am sorry. Really.

When you talk about bringing someone and instil something into that someone like what I did to you, I was worried. Till now. And you even mentioned two is better than one.

Is it because I am becoming very possessive?
Is it because you are not comfortable with me with you?
Is it because you feel I am very gay?
Is it because you feel I am over attentive to you?


I am worried and you chose a right time to ask because you knew I can't answer much in the car when you took me home.

Is it because you want to help JJ as well?

I think I am being jealous and loved at the same time.

Jagung, I hope you can tell me why you suddenly have this thought? Why? Why you choose to ask this when you are taking me home and it is during exam season?

Is it because you don't want me to question more about this?


If this is so, I would rather slowly let you go next semester like I told you.

I remembered your insistence of telling me you want to meet me no matter how busy you are or I am next semester. I am very touched. Seriously. And you even told me that you will make a gift for me before sem break.

I am confused

Dear Jagung 5

I still 'hate' you.

I want you to know one thing: Don't ever look for me again... You have your friends. I don't want to be in your life anymore.

Just don't treat me like before. Don't call me brother. Don't call me anything. I made a mistake SMSing you just now. I shouldn't do it. I want you to be just like any other people I saw: online on FB but never chat. Online on MSN but never chat.

I want these.

I don't want to be part of your dreams, or whatever. Don't ever claim that I am your inspirer. I am not. I won't be. I bring boredom to your life.

Go dance
Go laugh
Go play your guitar or keyboard or whatever.
Go mix with your Chem/Sc friends.

DON'T COME NEAR ME.

Fortunately next sem I won't be free. Really fortunate. I don't want to see your face anymore. Your face tells me that, you don't know how to emphasise on a brother. You only see me as your brother because I can protect you in someways.

I am sorry. That's not a brother. That's a guardian.

Dear Jagung 4

I am sorry to see you keep posting here and there just to reach out for me. But I think she is right. I have to move on.

Too many times I have tested on you while you never tested on me. I am greatly sorry about that. I remembered even the tiniest teaching from my primary school teacher that I should never be suspicious over relationships and friendships.

And yet, I still did.

LOL.

I am glad that after one day you left here, I no longer have the urge that I need to find you or chat with you. I am regressing back to the state I was before. Back to where I am with my friends again.

I will be back on your side if time permits it. I promise that.

I still love and care about you, my brother.

But in your heart, do you really?

Enough of repetitive crybabies, I want you to be happy with your friends. Forever.

Find me when you really know who you are and who am I between both of us.

Bye

Dear Jagung 3

Dear Jagung,

I saw your message on FB.

I dunno whether our telepathic link still holds like my mother used to say, since I already chose to part with you. But the first time you sent me a message on FB, I had the sense. I clicked on your name to open the chatbox and at the same time, the display wrote ".... is typing a message".

First time coincidence.

Then the second time, after I went out, I have the strong feeling that you will write me another message. True enough, I saw your message after I came back from dinner/supper.

Second time coincidence.

Finally, just yesterday night, I was taking my 100Plus and I was mocking the sound when the FB message pops up, trying to tease you in my heart that you still will write me message tonight. And when I got back to my seat, I saw your message again.

Third time coincidence.

Then I was like: "Try to write on my wall that you miss me la, doofus!"

And you did. But you write in a code that I understood immediately. You wrote: "Pls reply me as soon as possible. Text me."

You are still ashamed to admit that you are close to me in front of my friends and yours. What for being your brother if you are so ashame to do so while you boast so much in front of me that I am your brother?

Fourth time coincidence.


I tell you, I have tested what you mean by brother and I understood perfectly well that 'brother' to you is in the sense of hiphop. So, I got your meaning. Go and run along.

Another thing you didn't tell me and I have to find out unintentionally. You know how freaking hurt it is? I read your blog about 'Sunny and brother are "fuel"....'

I was wondering who is Sunny. At least I guessed saxophonementos correct.

Now after than YY posted on your wall, I knew Sunny was another person better than me. I don't care if Sunny is a girl or boy, as long as you mention Sunny, that means it (sorry to use 'it')deals great impact in your life.

Another point to prove that I am not that "required" in your life.

I can't GIVE you anything and yet I have to ACCEPT everything. I don't like it. You want to give your love and care? Don't give it to me. I don't wish to be one. Give it to someone else, like JJ, YY or whoever in your friends circle.

I won't reply your messages anymore, Jagung. You damn know that I won't.

Now, I am worried you might come to my house and look for me. I am trying to escape right now. Thinking of ways to hide myself away.

Still thinking...

Dear Jagung 2

Dear Jagung,

I never want to see you again. I purposely offline-d my MSN, I purposely don't want to reply your FB messages and I purposely said I deactivate my handphone. I hope by cutting off all sorts of communication, you can liberally run in your life. Alone.

I am sorry. But now, I think I said 'I am sorry' is just away to let you feel a little less harsh whereas my heart doesn't want to apologise anymore.

Maybe you asked JJ not to tag you in the recent photos, but hey, I am a good stalker, I found it. And I still let you know, there is no point glueing on me when you can have the rest of the fun you can find with your friends.

JJ can help you academically, so yeah, I can't do anything about it. He is your true brother. He cares about your result and helps you constantly. Me? I am just sitting on my chair and just complain my life to you.

What for?

JJ is a nice guy, although you said he has some attitude problem. Go change him. He likes to be with you. And I don't.

Your hometown friends and housemates, they are great people who can make you laugh and have fun together. But me? I am just a boring old man waiting someone to care of. Which, I have to say, I hate to have the feeling that I NEED CARE.

So don't always talk to me by keep saying 'my brother' here or 'my brother' there.

I DON'T FUCKING DESERVE IT.

Go. Go run along with your dance life and chem life. Don't ever bump into banking and finance sector. You are no longer welcome here.

I hope you understand this even though you refuse.


Sorry, I am not the one you seek. I am going to end this, as if all that happens is a cycle.

This week + study week + 3 exam weeks + 3 sem break weeks. Totally 2 months for me to forget you and you forget me. Even though you cannot forget me, I will still no longer communicate with you via HP, MSN or FB.

And if you want to sit at block H or I just to meet me, Sorry, I will be in E, H and I with time pack. Even if you see me, I will be rushing for class.

So.

BYEBYE. Hehe.
Have a nice life without me.

Dear Jagung

Dear Jagung,

The moment of protecting you and loving you has gone. I think about the days I am with you and I am wrong. I have taken you away from your dreams. I restricted you.

I am sorry.

I am in tears while I am writing this. I never cry like that before. But my heart is just... painful to accept the fact.

You have a nice great gang where you grew up with. No point satisfying your responsibility as my brother while you can have them. They are much better. They have fun with you, take you out to eat, shopping and do things that I never like.

I never hate you. But I don't want you to treat me like whoever you think I am to you. I have had enough. You go back to your hometown where you can have all the time you want.

I am a boring old man. I don't dance. I don't sing. I don't shop.

I eat, sleep, and computer games, compose songs and play piano.

I can't say I regretted knowing you. But I really thank you for what you did. I know sometimes I mean a lot to you, but, seriously, this needs to end. I don't think I have the courage to carry on.

People tell me: "If you think of giving up, why have you hold it up before?"

Easy. I remain this relationship because I still think you are a kid, small brother. Fragile.

But now, after all I have seen what you love doing, I think, I am the odd one out in your life. Sorry, I hate to say this, but it sucks.

I don't like it. I don't feel my freedom when I am with you. I don't think everyone understands how I feel, including you, fancy tell me to ask my mum to call you up.

Go, before my possessive demon consumes me.

In tears, I would say:

"I want you to know,
it doesn't matter
where we take this road,
cuz someone's gotta go."

I love you, brother, but I cannot be with you.

I am sorry and I love you. Very much. Very very much.

I decided to isolate myself from HP, computer, and MSN. I don't want to see your message. Every time your message gives me hope that I am a very close person to you, but every time when I see the way you hang out with your friends, I feel as distant as ever.

Two different lifestyles.

It makes me heartache.

So, I love you and goodbye.

Hope you have a good road ahead (I know you already had)...



[PS: Too bad you aren't h..]

From,
God of the Sea